On May 11th, around 1 am, my world turned completely upside down. My 22 year old brother, Cory Frick, was killed in an ATV accident. Two days later, I left for Africa to spend two weeks doing mission work in a place I had never been, with a group of people I didn’t know. Talk about a crazy couple of days.
Upon hearing the news of my brother, I went into shock. I was feeling every emotion possible, but mainly confusion. I kept asking God over and over again, “Why? Why did this have to happen?” Every time I tried to pray, that’s all that came out of my mouth. Why? It didn’t make sense. My brother had just gotten his life together; a brand new job, was settling down...everything. He had his entire life ahead of him. Not to mention he was MY brother. I wanted him there with me and I didn’t understand why God would take him away from me and my family.
While my world was crashing around me, and it seemed like that God wasn’t there because He wasn’t providing me with immediate answers to the questions I had.
As if all of this wasn’t enough, two days later, I got on a plane to fly 16 hours away to Zambia.
I didn’t fully understand what went on during those two days until I was on the plane, thousands of feet in the air, when I suddenly had a realization. People kept telling me how “strong” I was being and how “inspirational” I was for still going to Africa. But the truth is, I don’t remember ever making a conscious decision to continue with my trip. A lot of those two days between my brother’s death and leaving for Zambia are a blur. On that plane, I realized it was because I was at my weakest, which meant God was at his strongest. I was an emotional 19 year old who wasn’t thinking straight and having trouble forming complete sentences, so I know my actions were not a result of my own strength.
While all I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and try and wake up from this awful nightmare, He gave me strength to be around my friends and family. I felt like I could barely stand up, and there He was, holding me up each minute. There were, and are still, times when I realize this new reality and it gets hard to breathe; however, almost immediately after, I get a sense of peace like no other. He never gave me the option of whether I wanted to go to Zambia or not; instead, He provided people to get everything I needed and pack my bags, He gave me peace while driving away from my home, and He gave me strength to say goodbye to my parents at the airport. The best and funniest part about all of it is, I had absolutely no idea what was going on until I was thousands of feet in the air.
When I had that realization, I understood that God had not left my side for even a second during the past two days. He had been there, every step of the way. He didn’t let me realize “oh my gosh, I’m on the way to Africa with a group of people I don’t know when my brother just died and all I want to do is be at home with my family” until it was too late for me to turn back. God’s pretty smart that way.
However, God knew exactly what He was doing when He took me to Africa. He surrounded me with families that were a constant source of wisdom, love, and encouragement. He surrounded me with a team that consistently pointed me back to Jesus no matter how frustrated, upset, or confused I got with my current situation. He surrounded me with people of various ages and various backgrounds that reassured me that God is a good God who loves His children and has a wonderful plan for them.
One of the biggest things I’ve realized is that God continues to pursue and talk to us, regardless of if we are pursuing Him. While I would love to sit here and tell you that I never questioned God’s will and seeked God continuously while everything was going on, that would be a huge lie. I wasn’t necessarily mad at God for taking my brother, because I knew deep in my heart that God’s will is perfect and He doesn’t make mistakes. However, that didn’t mean I had a whole lot to say to Him. Even though I was barely saying anything other than “I don’t understand” to Him, He was teaching me so much.
God used one particular conversation I had with the mother of one of the missionary families, Kerri, to speak to me clearly and give me a peace that surpasses all understanding. First, we were talking about the Book of Job. In this book of the Bible, Satan goes to God and God suggests that Satan tempt a man named Job, who was blameless in the sight of God. I absolutely could not understand why God would allow, even suggest, that Satan tempt Job. (Satan does a pretty nasty job of destroying Job’s life…look it up!) Upon discussing it with Kerri, she explained that she believed it was because God saw the entire picture- He had a heavenly perspective instead of an earthly one. He knew that Job wasn’t going to break over Satan’s temptations. Also, God used this incident to prove to Job, as well as Satan, who the one in control was and who would ultimately receive the glory. For me, this reminded me that God sees the entire picture, while I can only see bits and pieces. He understands how my brother’s death is going to bring Him glory and how I will be sanctified in the process. I can’t have all the answers because I'm living day by day, while God knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, next month, and 50 years down the road. I shouldn’t trust in my own understanding because I have such a limited view, but I can trust in God’s understanding because He is all-knowing.
We also talked about one of Kerri’s friends whose five month old baby passed away. She explained to me that her friend came home from the hospital, yet seemed to be relatively at peace with her situation. Her friend explained that during times like these, we are forced to pick: either God is good and faithful all the time, or He is good and faithful none of the time. There is no gray area. This seemingly simple concept astounded me. I was in the position to make the same choice and I, along with Kerri’s friend, chose to believe that God is good and faithful all the time. Making this choice helped me realize that God is good at ALL TIMES, even the second it took for my brother to wreck. He was good when my family and I learned of the news. He was good at the funeral. He was good when I boarded the plane and left America. His character NEVER changes, and knowing this gives me the most amazing sense of peace.
Knowing that God’s character is always good and always faithful helps me realize a lot. First, God cares about my pain. He desires to lift my burden and walk through this with me. He wants me to talk to Him about it. Second, God doesn’t make mistakes. He wasn’t caught off guard when Cory appeared in Heaven because he was well aware what was going to happen in the early morning of May 11th. That being said, that means this is a part of His wonderful and perfect plan for my life. I can find comfort in knowing that God has incredible plans to use Cory’s life and death to bring Him glory, and I get to be a part of that.
While yes, I do have a peace that surpasses all understanding about Cory’s death, that doesn’t mean I’m not still struggling. I miss my brother, and I hate having a part of my heart and family missing. But thanks to Jesus, my brother’s life didn’t end of May 11th. He is living with Christ, looking down on me and my family, cheering us on, and I can’t wait to see him again someday. Here in my weakness and brokenness, I can still say Hallelujah, God be praised.
R.I.P. Cory Justin Frick
April 12th, 1992- May 11th, 2014
No comments:
Post a Comment